Dear Enterprise
by Vulcanblood
Summary: Dear Abby spoof. Ask the characters your questions, I will print it with an answer! Rated T because some of these might be awkwierd. :D  Warning: contains Crack!fic and OOC tendencies NEW: I'm back in business with a super shocking one!
1. Chapter 1

Hello fellow carbon based life forms! I have recently had a wonderful idea! Have you heard of the Dear Abby colum in the newspapers? I have, and I thought to myself, What can I possible do to jazz it up a bit? Hear is my answer! A "Dear _" type thing.

Have techie questions?

Ask Scotty!

Need dating advice?

Ask Kirk!

Want some logical tidbits of wisdom?

Ask Spock!

Need a biased historical account?

Ask Chekov!

Characters will also be answering questions about themselves and other crew members. Random questions are accepted (read: encouraged)

Leave a review with your question in it, or PM me. FIRST TO GIVE ME A LETTER HAS A SET SPOT ON NEXT CHAPPIE.

PAVEL~SPOCK~PAVEL~SPOCK


	2. COOOOOKIES!

A/N: I am so happy to have such punctual feedback! I will try to update every other weekend at least, if not every weekend. Remember, I can't print all of your letters, but each one is met with love.

REVIEWS AND LETTERS=COOKIES FOR ALL! These are special cookies, they are redshirt gingerbread men! (Note to readers of my "boldly going forward" fic: I'm working on one with Chekov, Cheetos, and Avery. Patience and reviews will make it go faster!) Occasionally, my parents will find it nessarcery to block my fanfiction account, so I WILL TRY TO UPDATE EVERY OTHER WEEKEND (TRY)

A teenaged girl with long black hair and green eyes walked onto the bridge, carrying three letters in her hand, smiling brightly.

"Hi guys!" she chirped. She handed one letter to Sulu, one to Spock and kept the other to herself. "My name is Vulcanblood, but you can all call me V'! These here," she gestured to the letters, "are letters from your fans! I printed them out for you guys for aesthetic and nostalgic purposes."

"Really?" said Sulu, surprised at this, "I have fans? Sweet!" Spock took all this in stride, and Kirk looked miffed at not getting a letter. Sulu opened his letter and read it to himself, then out loud.

"This one is from Aashlee Elizabeth.

Dear Sulu:

I have a problem with workplace boredom. I stare at a screen for hours on end, day after day. I notice that you are in a similar situation. Unless you're in battle, you pretty much "set it and forget it." I mean, once the course is laid in, what do you do? How do you keep boredom from eating your brain? How do you stay sharp and engaged?

Signed,

Bug-Eyed"

Sulu thought for a moment, and then replied;

"Dear Bug-Eyed,

Usually I drink coffee, or do Sudoku puzzles. Chekov and I sometimes play world of warcraft on the navigation console and play games on . Scotty showed it to me one day, and now I'm totally hooked! Another fun thing to do is play Pokemon Pearl on my DSZ when Captain isn't looking, and read the latest issue of Bleach manga! I'm totally a ichiruki fan!"

Everyone stared at Sulu for a while, taking it all in.

"Fancinating..." observed Spock, "Who knew there was manga about cleaning products?"

Everyone: ….

Spock opened his letter and read it aloud:

"This one is from JonesEffectStories

Dear Mr Spock,

I know some really annoying people and sometimes I just want to punch them. You're on the Enterprise so you must be familiar with this (I know it would be illogical but even you must want to punch the more annoying villains and... other people when they are very illogical #cough#McCoy#cough#) Any advice on how to control the urge to break their noses?

From Annoyed"

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"It takes discipline and hard work. You must learn to control yourself. Try meditation or yoga, calm thoughts, and drink herbal tea"

V opened the last letter and read it.

"this one is from Saavikam69

dear enterprise:

is it true men outnumber the women 15 to 1? how do the men handle that situation?"

Everyone looked at one another. Kirk shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Chekov smiled slowly, and slowly it got bigger and bigger

"Those who have a vomen are wery wery lucky." His grin stretched from ear. No one knew about him and Avery. It should stay that way.

V' took a look at her tablet computer,

"Hey guys look at this!" She gestured to the review page, and everyone crowded around. "It seems Mr. Spock, Kirk and McCoy were commenting on my page..." She looked questioningly to the three.

Kirk: "Uh... Those weren't my melons"

Spock: "My responses were necessary. The captain started it."

McCoy: "Don't look at me! You heard the green-blooded hobgoblin!"

T'Rin: I take offense to that!

The doctor and Kirk looked at the half Vulcan ginger sitting next to Scotty at the engineering station. Spock simply crossed his arms, and rewarded T'Rin with a small half-smile.

V' rolled her eyes.

"Okay, whatever. Now for our last segment!"

A blonde girl jumped up from behind the captain's chair, smiling jovially, but knocking down the captain in the process.

"Hi!" she said brightly, "I'm Sunshine, and today it's my turn to bring the envelope!" Sunshine skipped over to V' and handed her a bright yellow envelope. V' tore the letter open with vigor.

"Oh goody! The next STAR is Chekov! We give the STAR top priority, and we always print at lest one letter to the STAR. Be sure to write to him!"

Chekov was a bit mystified, but he took it in with a grin. (A/N: Hee hee that rhymes) Little did everyone know, but a dark presence was gathering in the cosmos, soon to be revealed...

_Coming soon: The dark presence is revealed, we meet The Chazz, and Sunshine girl eats popcorn!_

OPTIONAL BROWNIE POINTS: Send Amyanddan, one of my favorite authors, a PM that says "SNOOOOOOOWBALL!" You will be rewarded.

FAV SONG FOR TODAY: _Rasputin_ (_Ra Ra Rasputin, lover of the Russian queen_. Grr its in my head now)


	3. I'M baaaaack!

A/N: Meine Güte! I am a liar... I promise to try to update more often (please don't kill me). This is only one letter because I am trying to get back into the swing o' things. I started reading shojo manga (who woulda thought?) and Amyanddan has been nagging me to watch naruto and bleach (if I had access to hulu that would help a bit.) AND I was absent from school because of pink eye (hard to write fic with itchy optical units) for like, three days man! So gimme a break. ~END EXCUSE~

ANNNNNY WAY, I have a music contest on the 18th so wish me and Sunshine Girl good luck. We're doing a Viola/Violin duet (me on viola, her on violin) by this wierd dude named I. Pleyel. And in orchestra we're doing a song called Danza by Vaclav Nehybel (Chekov and Avery are totally going to name thier kid Vaclav.) and its like the beastest song ever! My Orchestra teacher/conducter/Awesomest teacher in the world and I had the best conversation ever about the composer... he-heh... mostly about me nameing my first born son after him, and then after I die, I leave him with all my worldly possesions... yeah. You get the the point, I have a music fettish. ORCH-DORKS RULE! And the Viola is the best.

Han: Are you done yet?

Me: Not quite... *mumbles incoherently about reading _Fate of the Jedi* _...Ok, now I'm done.

Han: Finally. On with the story. *dissapear magically*

Giant marshmallows and sweets of all sorts danced in her mind as she dreamed of the many things she pined for. She awoke from the beautiful dream with a start and a moan._ Only a wonderous dream._ Her heart was broken once again, for she was on the Enterprise, and the replicators would never give her any of the yummy goodies she so desperatly yearned for. The vials of insulin were also with her candy, but the shipment was overdue by two hours...

She rubbed her pointed ears with nervousness. It was still different... And the chocolate... she could never have it again in this form. But such was the price of her curse.

V' walked onto the bridge in a hissy fit, grabbing the captain's chair turning it to face her. Her green eyes burned with fire, and Kirk visibly cowered in his chair.

"Where is my shipment!" Kirk paled and whispered, "It's not here yet..."

V' put on her brave face, and tried to return to her regular spunky demeanor. She walked down to the bridge with fists clenched, and a false smile on her face.

"Hey guys! I got a letter for Chekov!" she read the letter to the crew.

Dear Chekov,

I understand what it means to have an accent. Being from the only state considered both southern and northern, people sometimes give me a hard time over my small accent. How do you deal with people making fun of you?

P.S. Was Calculus invented in Russia?

P.P.S. Sorry Chekov, I love you, but I love Bones much, much, more. 3

Natalie Darkwood

Chekov rolled his eyes.

"Of course it vas. As for people makink fun of my accent, some have tried, but zhey have found their food quite inedible for zome weeks after vords." T'Rin and him high-fived, and giggled a bit. But their jubilation was halted when V' fell to the floor unconsious. They all gasped and scrambled to help.

"Bridge to sick bay! Bridge to sick bay! Send Bones immediately!"

T'Rin wished Avery or Spock were there. They always knew what to do. Kirk was pale faced. _How had this happened? She was fine about three seconds ago!_


End file.
